my new years resolution
Besides updating this woefully neglected blog (you’ll hear more sexy commentary from me after finals! Promise!)
I vow to like myself more in 2007. Yes, even though I have a shamelessly self-promoting vanity blog. Even though my outward persona’s ego is larger than Kansas. Even though my clothes could be sharper, my waist trimmer, my teeth brighter, my dress size smaller, my GPA higher, my career prospects more promising-er, my legs more toned-er, my grammar less laissez-faire…
I want to like myself more.
This doesn’t mean I want to bask in the heady glow of pat self-congratulation, no. (And I’m no stranger to that, matriculating at Penn and all, but…) It does mean I want to be more confident, more assured. That doesn’t mean I also don’t have the usual laundry list of Pottruck-going and note-taking and Crest White Strips-abusing, but it does mean that I need to put less freaking value in all that, and more value in being here, being alive, and being present for my friends and family.
Lest you think this is Gratuitous and Unnecessary (and a little too Our Bodies, Ourselves, natch), I’m always shocked and surprised when people describe me as confident or poised. I’ll never forget volunteering at an Human Rights Campaign banquet my freshman year, smiling nervously in my hand-me-down Jessica McClintock and Dillard’s kitten heels, and gasping when a twink and his sugar daddy approached to tell me they found me “poised”. Poised? As the To Wong Foo era Wesley Snipes would say, “Not on your young queer life!”
I mean, shucks, I’m glad that it appears that way. But it’s an appearance. Hell, if irrational neuroses could be traded on the NYSE, I’d be Warren Freaking Buffett. I could out-angst the love child of Woody Allen and Bridget Jones. And maybe this is a blogger thing. (Right, Miss Chen? But it’s time to end.
I know I’m late to the party and can’t claim grief as I never got to know the amazing-ness that is her, but as I write this I’m thinking about the late Star C. Foster, the promising young Philly blogger whom unexpectedly passed away last week. Look around you—we’re all living a pretty sweet gig. In the wake of the tragedies that happen every day—in my personal life and in the world at large—I guess my vow is to appreciate all of this more. As LiLo would say, “Be adequite.” Except without the diva rep and heiress hangers-on.
We are all unspeakably fragile. Savor everything, before you break.
Anonymous, Dec 23, 23:01:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WwArafy4PE
David, Dec 24, 14:00:
Filtering through your message, I find we are in agreement in substance. Live is certainly temporary and without guarantee. Today, this hour, could be our last on earth. To me an encouraging thought, mindful of eternity and the maginificent destination awaiting.
And loving yourself? To quote the old saw, you’ve hit the nail on the head my dear. If I can’t love me how could I possibly pretend to love you? Essential as forgivness. Now that we’ve vowed to love ourselves, riding along the same path will be to forgive myself. Although you are quite young, I know you probably have forgettable moments. If serious enough, you must forgive yourself to be cleansed and refreshed. Forgiveness (even Christ tells us to forgive others as He forgave us) is a portal to fresh starts, new beginnings and eternal hope.
So I extend my love to you and encourage you to love yourself as well.
Merry Christmas my young friend. And a Happy New Year too.
David